Santa Banta

Titanic
was sinking.
An englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.
Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?
Santa: Downwards!
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Santa: Ghar ka saara keemti samaan chhupa ke rakh do, mere dost aa rahe hain.
Jeeto: Kyon! Aapke dost chura lengey?
Santa: Nahin, pehchan lengey.

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Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators

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A sweet girl goes to Banta's shop and said: Mujhe underwear dikhao.
Banta sharmate hue: Aaj pehan kar nahin aaya.
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Santa: Woh ladki kitni sundar hai!
Banta: Mujhe uska naam pata hai.
Santa: Kya naam hai uska?
Banta: Woh bank mein kaam karti hai, uske counter ke upar uska naam likha tha "CHAALU KHAATA"

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Translation from hindi to english, "Khushi ke mare uski chaati phool gayi".
Santa: Due to happiness, his chest became breast.
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How did santa tried to kill a bird??

He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die.
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Santa: I have swallowed a kay.
Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.
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Santa ki shaadi ek nurse se ho gayi.
Banta: Aur santa, kaisi nibh rahi hai?
Santa: Pooch mat yaar, jab tak sister na kaho, bolti hi nahi.

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In a train compartment husband: Darling, mujhe to tumhari aatma se pyar hai, tumhare jism ki mujhe koi chah nahin. Main tumhari rooh ko chahta hoon, tumhara shareer to main kutton ko daal doon.
Banta sitting on upper berth says: BOW BOW

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Banta: Yeh chaaku kyon ubaal rahe ho?
Santa: Suicide karne ke liye
Banta: To phir ubalne kui kya zaroorat hai?
Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye
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Girl: Will u marry me?
Santa: No, humare yahan shaadi sirf relatives mein hi hoti hai. Mummy ne Papa se, Didi ne Jijaji se aur Bhaiya ne Bhabhi se
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Santa: Bhagwane suit bada sohna paya hai.
Jeeto: Thank u G
Santa: Lipstick badi sohni laayi aa.
Jeeto: Thank u G.
Santa: Shingaar v sohna kitaa aa.
Jeeto: Thank u G
Santa: Par sohni pher v nahi lagdi...

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Santa ne apne nawen jamme bachche nu pakdeya per usne Santa te sussu karta.
Santa to nurse: Bibi eh piece leak karda hai badal k le aa..!
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Ek baar Santa Gangubai ke ghar jaata hai aur darwaza knock karta hai.
Gangubai: Kaun ?
Santa: Main !
Gangubai: Main kaun?
Santa: Tu Gangubai
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Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from NASA to SATYANASA

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Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said: I've seen ur password. It’s ****. Santa: U r wrong. It’s 1394.

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Nurse came out with the newborn kid, Santa rushed 2 her & after seeing the kid he shouted, BETA hua BETA. She slapped him: Leave my finger, u fool, It’s a gal
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Santa falls in love with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."

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Banta ped pe chada to upar baithey bandar ne poocha: Upar kyon aaya?
Banta: Apple khane.
Bandar: Yeh to aam ka ped hai.
Banta: Pata hai, apple saath laya hoon.
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Santa asked Banta: Why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in evening?
Banta: Very simple, because he is PM not AM.

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Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya.
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Santa: Sir hun meri salary wada deyo, mera vyah ho gaya hai.
Boss: Factory de bahar hon wale hadseyaan layi factory jimmevar nahin hundi.

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Pappu while filling up a form: What should I write against mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long...!

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Santa ke bagiche mein bahut sare ped - paudhe thay, Santa naukar ko bola ped-paudhon ko pani dal.
Naukar: Sahab baarish ho rahi hai.
Santa: Abe to Chatri leke dal.
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Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
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Santa: Yaar mein apni girlfriend nu gift dena hai, ki devan?
Banta: Gold ring de de.
Santa: Koi vadi cheez das yaar.
Banta: Tan fer MRF da tyre de de.
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Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aaya hai.
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A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.
Santa doesn’t turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

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Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else?

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Santa waiting at bus stop in UK along with 3 women.
When bus arrived, conductor picked the women & said: No more, no more

Santa: Saaleya Morniya char laiyan, meri wari no more.

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Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.

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Pappu was writing his father's name on a 1000 Watt bulb.
Santa asked him: What are you doing?
Pappu: Aapka naam roshan kar raha hoon.

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An englishman and santa inside the toilet. ...
Englishman: Good evening, how do u do? Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do!

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Santa to Pappu: Where's Sukhna Lake?
Pappu: Pata nahi.
Santa: Kabhi ghar se bhi nikla karo.
Pappu: Who's Banta?
Santa: Pata nai.
Pappu: Kabhi ghar me bhi raha karo.

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Jeeto yelled at santa: U're gonna b really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!
Santa: Make up ur mind, which one is it gonna be!

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Santa went to see a gal for marriage. Their families decided to leave them for some talk. After some time santa asks: "behenji, tusin kinne behen-bhai ho?" Girl: "Vaise taan 3 si, par hun 4 ho gaye."

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Santa: Do you know English?
Banta: Yes
Santa: Ok! Then tell what is the opposite of NAAG PANCHAMI?
Banta: So simple Yaar... NAAG DO NOT PUNCH ME.

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Santa apni GF ko I love u kehta aur gir jata.

Girl: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?

Santa : I am falling in love.
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Lady doctor: tum roz subah clinic ke bahar khade ho kar aurto ko kyon ghurte ho?

Santa: ji aap hi ne bahar likha hai "aurton ko dekhne ka samay subah 10 se 12".

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Masterji: kal school kyu nahi aaya.
Santa: Gir gaya tha or lag gayi.
Masterji: kahan gire, kahan lagi?
Santa: Takiye pe gira tha aur AANKH lag gayi..
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Santa & banta sending sms 2 their gfs. Santa:mai tere mobile se apni gf ko sms bheju dekhte hain kya kahti hai? Banta: No, agar usne handwriting pehchan li to...?
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Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?


Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..

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Ultimate answer while changing the job.
Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job?
Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where..

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Santa's urine report got exchanged with a ladies pregnancy report.
Dr. told santa, "you are pregnant".
Angry santa shouts at wife, "Maine pehle hi kaha tha, mujhe upar rehne de".
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Santa and Banta went for a drive.
Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not?
Banta puts his head out & says "Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!"

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Santa (on phone): Maa, khushkhabri hai!
Maa: Bolo beta.
Santa: Hum, 2 se 3 ho gaye.
Maa: Badhai ho, ladka hua ya ladki.
Santa: Na ladka, na ladki. Maine doosri shaadi karli.

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Santa was inserting dog's tail into pipe.
Banta: Oye, kutte ki dum kabhi seedhi nahi hoti.
Santa: Idiot, main to pipe bend kar raha hoon.

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Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...
Finally, santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.
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Santa: "Kitna padhey likhe(qualified) ho?"
Banta: "B.A."
Santa: "Saala, 2 akshar padha, woh bhi ulta?"
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Why did santa keep the door open while bathing?
Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.
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Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home. The stearing, dash board, ...
gears of car have been stolen.
After sometime he calls again: I am coming, earlier I sat on the back seat.

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History teacher asked Santa: Name kalidas's brother who was a shoemaker.
Santa: Adidas

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Santa giving exam while standing at the door.
A man asked "Why are you standing at the door?"
Santa: "Idiot, I am giving entrance test."
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Santa: Mom, last night when I opened the toilet door, the light went on itself.
Mother: Idiot, you again peed in the refrigerator!
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Santa's shayari: Kutta marr gaya razai vich, main pagal ho gaya teri judai vich, fernail te machchar beh nahi sakda, main tere bina hun reh nahi sakda.
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Santa: Bhaisahab time kya hua?
Man: Sham ke 6 baje hain!
Santa: Sala, subah se pooch raha hoon, sab alag alag time bata rahe hain.

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Teacher to santa: where were you born?
Santa: Thiruvananthapuram
Teacher: can u spell it?
Santa (after thinking for some time): I think I was born in GOA.

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Santa: "God, if you give me 100 rupees, I will donate 50 rupees in temple".

(After waliking some distance, he finds a 50 rupee note)

Santa: "Shame on you God, you don't even trust me a little? You have already taken your share!"
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Santa looking at himself in the mirror, "I have seen this man somewhere".
After half an hour, "Oh, its the same man, who married my wife."
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While walking in the highlands Santa fell down a deep hole.
Banta: R u ok?
Santa: Yeah!
Banta: Did u break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here.

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Santa: Mein tere 64 de 64 dand todd dene hai.
Ik hor aadmi ne keha santa 64 nahi 32 Dand hunde ne.
Santa: Meinu patta se tu vi bolega is layi tere vi gin laye ne.

Santa Banta SMS, Santa Banta Punjabi SMS, 166 Characters

Master: Mein tenu kutte te essay likhan nu
keha si, Likh ke kyu nahi liyanda ?

Santa: Ki karda master g,
jidan he mein kutte te Pen rakhia oh paj geya!!!
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Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.

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Why did Santa take his pregnant wife Jeeto to Pizza Hut?
A: Because they advertised: 'Free Delivery'

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How do you recognize Santa's son, Pappu, in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.

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A lady asked Santa: LIPTON di chah hai?
Santa replied: Mainu ta nahi hai ji, tainu hai ta lipat ja...
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Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Banta: Me too, after u leave.
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Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.
Santa: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?

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Banta ek sadhu se bola: Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay batao.
Sadhu: Beta, upaay hota to main sadhu kyun banta?

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Preeto: ...Raat ko aap peeke gutter mein gir gaye the.
Banta: Kya bataoon, sub galat sangati ka asar hai, hum 4 dost... 1 bottle, aur woh teeno kambhakt peeten nahin.

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Santa: I’m a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What’s he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!

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Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.
Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

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Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa u'll die.
Santa: U'll die bcoz haven’t u heard train is coming on platform.

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Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window?
A: He wanted to see butterfly!
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What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi.
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Jeeto: U tell a man something, it goes in one ear & comes out of the other.
Santa: U tell a woman something, it goes in both ears & comes out of the mouth.
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Santa: My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog!
Banta: Oh! That’s terrible.
Santa: Yes, it was sad to watch the dog die in convulsions
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Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains? "
A: Santa bola, "Pehle date of birth to batao."

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Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains? "
A: Santa bola, "Pehle date of birth to batao."

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Santa walks into a library & says, "Can I have a burger and coke?" Librarian, "I'm sorry, this is a library." Santa whispers, "Can I have a burger & fries?"
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Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.
Pappu: Life imprisonment!
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Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever- What comes first - the chicken or the egg?
O yaar, jiska order pehle doge, vo ayega!

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Petrol ke rate badhne par Santa bola: "Menu koi farak nahin penda. Pehle bhi 100 ka bharwata tha ab bhi 100 ka bharwata hoon."

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Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out.

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Banta: Why is the Police nicknamed "The heart of the country"?
Santa: It beats, beats, beats.

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Once Professor Santa asked a plumber to come to his college. You know why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.
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Preeto 2 maid: Oh Kanta, I hv reason 2 suspect that Banta is having an affair with his secretary.
Kanta: I don't believe it! U r just trying 2 make me jealous.
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Jeeto: I didn't know you smoked. When did you start?
Preeto: That night my husband came home early and found a cigarette butt in the ashtray.

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Santa (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?" Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"
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